UPDATE.  thank you to everyone who sent a nice message the other day,  i really do appreciate it and i will try and answer them / speak to you soon.  the problem is,  for every kind message there is in my inbox now,  there are five others either policing my tone,  dictating how i am meant to feel,  or being blatantly anti-black towards me.   i am going home to see my family this weekend,  and will be making a decision on being here after that.